STAY HOME AND WRITE YOUR OWN MOVIE FROM STANFORD TY PARKER
1. *All men aged 50 and older can easily find women 30 years their junior
who are passionately and romantically interested in them.
2. * At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
3. * Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price
range of most people, whether they are employed or not.
4. * Should you decide to defuse a bomb, don't worry which wire to cut. You
will always choose the right one.
5. * Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the
communications system of any invading alien society.
6. * It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving
martial arts; your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by
dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
7. * When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom
will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
8. * If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert
on nuclear fission at the age of 22.
9. * Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three
days before their retirement.
10. * Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their
archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems,
deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow
their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
11. * During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a
strip club at least once. 12. * All beds have special L-shaped cover sheets that reach up to the
armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.
13. * All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
14. * It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the
control tower to talk you down.
15. * Once applied, lipstick will never rub off, even while scuba diving.
16. * You're very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make
the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
17. * Should you wish to pass yourself off as a German or Russian officer,
it will not be necessary to speak the language. A German or Russian accent
will do. (It used to be an English accent for the German).
18. * The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
19. * The White House, U.S. Capitol building and the Washington Monument can
also be seen from any window in Washington.
20. * A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but
will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
21. * If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it
before long. 22. * If staying in a haunted house, women should investigate any
strange noises in their most revealing underwear.
23. * Word processors never display a cursor on screen, but will always
say: Enter Password Now.
24. * Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to
turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
25. * All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red
readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
26. * A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
27. * If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you meet will
know all the steps.
28. * Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure
they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
29. * When they are alone, all foreign military officers prefer to speak to
each other in English.
30. * The gun itself is more powerful than the bullets they shoot.
Superhero's will stand there and deflect flying bullets with their hands,
wrists or clothing, but when the villain empties all the bullets and throws the
gun at our superhero, he ducks to avoid being hit!