ONE OF THE ODD THINGS IN LIFE IS THAT, IF YOU STAY HOME, NO ONE ACTUALLY CARES THAT MUCH ABOUT YOU, BUT IF YOU TRAVEL, PEOPLE WILL FALL ALL OVER THEMSELVES TO SHOWER YOU WITH GREETINGS AND GIFTS.
I WROTE ABOUT THIS A FEW YEARS AGO - AFTER THE PENN RELAYS TRACK MEET IN PHILLY, I HOOKED UP WTTH SOME OF MY FORMER N.Y.C. / BROOKLYN BUDDIES. I CHRONICLED HOW THESE GOODFELLAS DROVE ME AROUND TOWN, BOUGHT ME FOOD ( NO SMALL EXPENSE, IF YOU KNOW ME ), GAVE ME LODGING AND THE USE OF AN ELECTRONIC MESSAGING UNIT, WHAT YOU CALL A PHONE, IF YOU ARE LESS PRETENTIOUS THAN I.
I WAS IN NYC - THE CAPITAL OF THE WORLD - A PLACE I LIVED FOR 41 YEARS AND COULDN'T GET MOST FOLKS TO GIVE ME THE TIME OF DAY - AND I RARELY REACHED INTO MY POCKET TO PAY FOR ANYTHING FOR THREE WHOLE DAYS. I KNEW I WAS ON TO SOMETHING - I FELT LIKE BILL GATES OR DONALD TRUMP OR BILL COSBY, MUST HAVE FELT WHEN THEY REALIZED THEY HAD DEVELOPED A WORKABLE PLAN FOR DEALING WITH THE HARSH ECONOMIC REALITIES OF LIFE. - EUREKA, I HAVE FOUND IT.
IN THE AMOS AND ANDY SERIES, THE KINGFISH WAS ABLE TO DUPE ANDY AT WILL AND MAKE A LIVING OFF OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF HIS "FRIEND." I WAS ABLE TO DO THIS FOR THREE DAYS IN NYC, SO WHY NOT FOR FIVE DAYS OUT WEST IN LAS VEGAS AND LOS ANGELES. ALL THAT IS REQUIRED IS TO FIND A FRIEND AND HAVE A WILLINGNESS TO PROFIT FROM THAT FRIENDSHIP.
WHLE THIS MAY AT FIRST SOUND CRUEL AND VILE, YOU MUST LEARN OR REMEMBER THE RULES FOR DEALING WITH ANDYS:
*NEVER GIVE A SUCKER AN EVEN BREAK
*NEVER WISEN UP A CHUMP
*SUCKERS DIE AND STILL THEY COME
* THERE IS A SUCKER BORN EVERY MINUTE
*IF YOU DON'T HOOK A FISH, THE NEXT GUY WILL
*FISH ARE MADE TO BE CAUGHT, YOU ARE HELPING THEM REACH THEIR ULTIMATE FATE
WHILE IN LAS VEGAS I WAS ABLE TO WINE AND DINE FOR FREE AT THE 75th BIRTHDAY PARTY OF EARL DOZIER. I WAS ABLE TO SIT AT A TABLE AND BORE WILLIE BROWN OF BROOKLYN, WITH STORIES THAT ANYONE ELSE IN THE CAROLINAS WOULD WALK AWAY FROM THE MINUTE I OPENED MY MOUTH.
I WAS ABLE TO ABUSE THE KINDNESS OF MS. JAMILLAH ALI AND GET A FREE RIDE HOME FROM THE PARTY SITE, HER BEAUTIFUL HERITAGE HOUSE MANSION, TO MY HOTEL. DUE TO SOME FLAW IN MY PLAN, I ACTUALLY HAD TO PAY FOR MY HOTEL STAY.
I WAS ABLE TO FIND ROOM SERVICE TRAYS IN THE HALLWAYS ON VARIOUS FLOORS, WITH ALMOST COMPLETE MEALS THROWN OUT - PRACTICALLY UNTOUCHED. UNREAD NEWSPAPERS WERE LEFT AT POOLSIDE. SO, I DIDN'T MAKE OUT TOO BADLY AND WITH THE FREE SOAP THEY SUPPLIED EVERYDAY, I WAS ABLE TO SAVE THEM FOR RESALE, SINCE I TOOK A SHOWER BEFORE I LEFT HOME AND THIS WAS ONLY A FIVE DAY TRIP.
ON THE AIRPLANE, I WAS ABLE TO HIT KENNY ANDERSON OF THE N.B.A., UP FOR A FEW DOLLARS BY USING THE OLD LINE ABOUT BROOKLYN BOYS STICKING TOGETHER - I CAN'T BELIEVE HE FELL FOR THAT ONE.
AT THE AIRPORT, I TOLD THE TAXI DRIVER I WOULD GO INTO THE TERMINAL AND GET CHANGE FOR HIS FARE AND TIP -->> NEED I SAY MORE?
IN LOS ANGELES, I
TRICKED TODD GILCHRIST INTO GIVING ME SOME VALUABLE MOVIE POSTERS FOR FREE AND GOT LUNCH BY PRETENDING TO BE INTERESTED IN HOW HIS LIFE WAS PROGRESSING ON THE WEST COAST, AFTER MOVING FROM NORTH CAROLINA TO BE COME A PROFESSIONAL ENTERTAINMENT CRITIC IN SUNNY CALIFORNIA.ADDING TO MY EVER GROWING LIST OF ANDYS WERE MY COUSINS, JEAN AND LAVIN LANIER --- DINNER AT ONE OF THE BEST RESTAURANTS OUTSIDE OF SIMPSONVILLE, "THE PROUD LADY." I WAS ABOUT TO SPRING FOR THE TIP, BUT I REMEMBERED THE RULES AND UNSPRUNG MYSELF.
FINALLY, PRINCIPAL JIM McCLUNE ( ACTUALLY, A MAN OF LITTLE PRINCIPLE ) AND GENNARO DIMASSA, AN UNEMPLOYED FISHERMAN FROM SAN PEDRO, WHO DOES PART TIME WORK AS A TEACHER / SANITATION ENGINEER, AT JORDAN HIGH SCHOOL IN THE LONG BEACH SCHOOL DISTRICT, UNTIL SOME ONE COMPETENT COMES ALONG - TOOK ME TO DODGER STADIUM. THE SEATS COST ABOUT WHAT I GET AS MY MONTHLY PENSION - THESE TWO GUYS WERE REAL ANDYS - HALL OF FAME LEVEL ANDYS.
THE ONLY ONE I RESPECT IS COACH RON MASSEY, WHO SKIPPED MY VISIT - HE WAS NOT GOING TO ALLOW HIMSELF TO BE AN ANDY - MAYBE HE KNEW THE RULES.
NOW, I AM HOME AGAIN AND NO ONE COULD CARE LESS ABOUT ME - I BUY MY OWN FOOD, ( NO SMALL EXPENSE, IF YOU KNOW ME ) - DRIVE MYSELF - USE MY OWN SOAP ON SATURDAY NIGHT - I HAVE JUST BECOME A REGULAR NOBODY AGAIN. HEY, MAYBE I SHOULD VISIT YOU -- I'LL GIVE YOU A CALL TONIGHT, WILL YOU BE IN? SEND ME AN E-MAIL TO CONFIRM YOUR PHONE NUMBER AND HOME ADDRESS.
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What is the difference between girls / woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48,
58. 68, and 78 ?
At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story.
At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed.
At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed.
At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed.
At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story.
At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story!
At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who are you??
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